Now that I have a few years on me, here's what I have discovered:
* I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart
* I started out with nothing, still have most of it
* ...

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, ...

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were ...

Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!
Tech: Speaking. ...

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly ...

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething ...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell ...

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this ...

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it ...

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
...

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody ...

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the
lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly
and mentioned that his mood improved every day because
he was due ...

Q) What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q) How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A) He buys two ...